http://www.aimag.com/forums/ Heard a good one? Share it here but please keep it family-friendly. en Sat, 21 Nov 2009 06:56:35 GMT vBulletin 60 http://www.aimag.com/forums/images/redbar/misc/rss.jpg http://www.aimag.com/forums/ http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7496-favorites.html Fri, 20 Nov 2009 09:01:13 GMT Dear Mr. Grim Reaper, So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and... Dear Mr. Grim Reaper,

So far this year you have taken away my favorite dancer and entertainer Michael Jackson, favorite actor Patrick Swayze, and favorite actress Farrah Fawcett. Just so you know, my favorite politician is Barack Obama.

Thank you

An American Citizen

P.S. I'm terribly fond of our great Speaker of the House as well. ]]> Harley Jokes grampadac http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7496-favorites.html http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7494-speaking-german.html Thu, 19 Nov 2009 23:17:27 GMT Subj: speaking German in Texas Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large German-speaking population, a farmer walking down ... Subj: speaking German in Texas





Near Fredericksburg, Texas, where there is a large
German-speaking population, a farmer walking down
a country road notices a man drinking from his pond
with his hand. The farmer shouted:'Trink das wasser
nicht. Die kuhen haben dahingesheissen.'

Which means: 'Don't drink the water,
the cows have s*** in it.'

The man shouted back: 'I'm from New York
and am just down here campaigning for Obama's
health care plan and gun control legislation,
I can't understand you. Please speak in English.'

The farmer replied: 'Use two hands, you'll get more.' ]]> Harley Jokes Wrightturn http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7494-speaking-german.html http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7473-lone-ranger.html Tue, 17 Nov 2009 21:11:25 GMT Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep. Some hours later, Tonto wakes... Lone Ranger and Tonto went camping in the desert. After they got their tent all set up, both men fell sound asleep.
Some hours later, Tonto wakes the Lone Ranger and says, "Kemo Sabe, look towards sky, what you see?"
The Lone Ranger replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What that tell you?" asked Tonto.

The Lone Ranger ponders for a minute then says, "Astronomically speaking, it tells me there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three in the morning.
Theologically, the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What's it tell you, Tonto?'

"You dumber than buffalo crap. It mean someone stole the tent.." ]]> Harley Jokes Wrightturn http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7473-lone-ranger.html http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7460-awesome-doctor.html Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:32:22 GMT Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise.
Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster.
Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn.
And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.
Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable).
And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one.
If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! ..... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad for you?

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger.
You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans ! Another vegetable!!! It's the best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:

'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention
of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other -
body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and
screaming 'WOO HOO, What a Ride'

And For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health.
It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

CONCLUSION

Eat and drink what you like.
Speaking English is apparently what kills you. ]]> Harley Jokes Haulen Ass http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7460-awesome-doctor.html http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7459-deaf-wife.html Mon, 16 Nov 2009 13:16:51 GMT A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well
As she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.

Not quite sure how to approach her on the subject,
He called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The Doctor told him there is a simple informal
Test the husband could perform to give the doctor a
Better idea about her hearing loss.

Here's what you do," said the Doctor,
"stand about 40 feet away from her and say something in a
Normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet,

And so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking
Dinner, and he was in the Lounge. He says to himself,
"I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks,
'Honey, what's for dinner?"

No response.

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen,

About 30 feet from his wife and repeats,

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is
About 20 feet from his wife and asks,

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10
Feet away. "Honey, what's for dinner?"

Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her.

"Honey, what's for dinner?"

"Ralph!, for the FIFTH time, - it's CHICKEN!" ]]> Harley Jokes Haulen Ass http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7459-deaf-wife.html http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7432-letter-grandma.html Fri, 13 Nov 2009 14:51:59 GMT A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. ... A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.



Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony,

he cuts a photo in half and mails it.



The next day he discovers that he had accidentally sent the

bottom half of the photo. He's really worried but then

remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is,

and hopes she won't notice.





A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his Grandmother.

It says: "Thank you for the picture. Change your hairstyle... it makes your nose look too short." Love, Grandma ]]> Harley Jokes texan321 http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7432-letter-grandma.html http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7419-habeneros-revenge.html Thu, 12 Nov 2009 21:02:12 GMT DO NOT read this if you have to pee.... I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of... DO NOT read this if you have to pee....



I went to the Home Depot recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one.. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'you're definitely going to s**t yourself' roadkill chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your butt cheeks WILL fall off.



Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened.. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I was unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my dear wife as 'thunder and lightning'. Knowing that a time of reckoning HAD to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the Depot, my quest being paint and supplies to refinish the den.



Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh, Oh, S**t, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different. The habaneros in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt.



In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.



There I stood, alone in the paint and stain section, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as a red aproned clerk turned the corner and asked if I needed any help. I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what his reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate. I could've warned that poor clerk, but didn't. I simply watched as he walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all he could do before gathering his senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving his arms about his head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh.. .......BIG mistake!!!!!



Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun. Suddenly things were no longer funny.. 'It' was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place. Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john , began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my ass is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe' . He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!, did it smell that bad when you ate it?', then quickly left.



Once finished and I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.' My smirking of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return. Home again without my supplies, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Lowe's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter.

Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store.. ]]> Harley Jokes texan321 http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7419-habeneros-revenge.html http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7402-martyrs.html Wed, 11 Nov 2009 06:59:47 GMT Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes. The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and starts flipping through family photos and ... Two Muslim mothers are comparing notes.

The older of the Muslim mothers pulls out her bag and
starts flipping through family photos and reminiscing.

“This is my oldest son, Mohamed. He would have been
24 now.”

The other Mom replies, “I remember him as a baby.”

The first mother says, “He’s a martyr now.”

“Oh, that’s so sad, my dear.”

Then the first mother flips to another picture. “And
this is my second son, Abdul. He would have been 21.”

“Oh I remember him. He had such curly hair when he
was born.”

The first mother sighs, “He’s also a martyr.”

”Oh gracious me!” says the second mother.

“And this is my third son. My beautiful
Ahmed! He would have been 18 this year.”

“Yes,” says her friend enthusiastically, ”I remember
when he first started school.”

“He’s also a martyr,” the first mother says. She sobs.
Her eyes now fill with tears.

After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim
mother looks wistfully at the photos, gently lays her hand
on the first woman's shoulder and says:

"They blow up so fast, don’t they ]]> Harley Jokes grampadac http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7402-martyrs.html http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7391-jail.html Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:36:47 GMT A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virgina State line. When the trooper asked the driver... A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the
Virginia/ West Virgina State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was
Speeding, the driver said he was a Magician and Juggler and was on his way to
Beckley WV to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver
Would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told
The trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle
Them. The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and
Handed them to him..

While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken
Good old boy from West Virginia got out, watched the performance, then went over
To the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and
Went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he
Was doing.

The drunk replied, 'You might as well take my butt to jail, cause there ain't no
way I can pass that test.' ]]> Harley Jokes texan321 http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7391-jail.html http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7378-its-trap.html Mon, 09 Nov 2009 07:05:57 GMT : :


























A large group of Taliban soldiers are moving down a road when they
Hear a voice call from behind a sand-dune say, "One Marine is better
Than ten Taliban."
The Taliban commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the
Dune whereupon a gun-battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes,
Then silence.
The voice then calls out, "One Marine is better than a hundred Taliban
Soldiers."
Furious, the Taliban commander sends his next best 100 troops over the
Dune and instantly a huge gun fight commences. After 10 minutes of
Battle, again silence.
The Marine voice calls out, "One Marine is better than one thousand
Taliban."
The enraged Taliban commander musters a thousand fighters and sends
Them over the dune. Cannon, rocket, and machine gun fire rings out as a
Huge battle is fought.
Then silence. Finally one wounded Taliban fighter crawls back over the
Dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't send any more
Men, it's a trap. There are two of them.":D ]]> Harley Jokes grampadac http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7378-its-trap.html http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7357-south-park.html Fri, 06 Nov 2009 16:36:16 GMT Last nights episode of South Park was hilarious. If you didn’t see it I sugget you all check it out.

It's called the F word. The boys fight back against loud and obnoxious Harley Riders.

South Park Episode Player - The F Word

Please note that it contains adult language and themes. ]]> Harley Jokes joeknez http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7357-south-park.html http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7338-how-not-park-your-bike.html Thu, 05 Nov 2009 04:21:41 GMT while not wearing any pants. YouTube - Dumb Biker Slams Full Speed Into Gate (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3YVigjgw63A) I picked the one off... while not wearing any pants.

YouTube - Dumb Biker Slams Full Speed Into Gate

I picked the one off YouTube with the music added because....well, it was just funnier. ]]> Harley Jokes Mr. Big http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7338-how-not-park-your-bike.html http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7308-elks.html Sun, 01 Nov 2009 21:58:11 GMT Elk Sex



Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, "Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a night?"
"Aw crap..," says his friend, "and I just joined the Shriners!" ]]> Harley Jokes texan321 http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7308-elks.html http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7302-income-opportunity.html Sat, 31 Oct 2009 10:27:03 GMT A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags rips, and every once in a while... A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic
garbage bags behind her.

One of the bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out
onto the sidewalk.

Noticing this, a policeman stops her, and says, "Ma'am, there are $20
bills falling out of your bag."

"Oh, really? Darn," says the little old lady. "I'd better go back, and
see if I can find them.
Thanks for telling me..."

Well, now, not so fast," says the cop. "How did you get all that money?
You didn't steal it, did you?"

"Oh, no,' says the little old lady. You see, my back yard is
right next to the football stadium parking lot. On game days,
a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower
garden. So, I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers.
Each time some guy sticks his thing through the fence, I grab
it and I say, '$20 or off it comes!'"


OK, that seems only fair," laughs the cop. "So, good luck.
Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?"



"Well, you know", says the little old lady, "not everybody pays." ]]> Harley Jokes Wrightturn http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7302-income-opportunity.html http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7241-dog-sale.html Fri, 30 Oct 2009 03:30:37 GMT A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale' He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.


'You talk?' he asks.


'Yep,' the Lab replies.


After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'
'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.' 'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.


'Ten dollars,' the guy says.


'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'


'Because he's a liar. He never did any of that s**t.' ]]> Harley Jokes Mr. Big http://www.aimag.com/forums/harley-jokes/7241-dog-sale.html